"I don't believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at."

- Maya Angelou

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Siblings. I have two of them. There is my older sister Christine who is twenty-eight and my younger brothe Alec who is seventeen. People who don't have siblings think one of two things. One, damn I'm lucky to be an only child! And two, I really wish I had a brother or sister. If you think the second thought, rethink it. You'll be sorry that idea ever floated through your head. As I type this blog my brother is in the room behind me playingthe goddamn bass guitar that he plays every waking minute of the day. I ask him to hold off for five minutes but of course he can't do that since he's bass master and a total badass and all. So now as I write there is the most annoying twanging in the background that doesn't quite form anything pleasing to the ears at all. I wish I was born an only child. Out of the few things I really despise, I despise having siblings. I know this sounds cruel, but I mean it. I cannot stand anything about my siblings (even though you see my brother often in my videos and we are laughing and joking). When cameras are off and doors are closed it is a whole different story. They have to bicker and banter and gang up on anyone who stands in their way. They whine and cry and kick and scream. They hit and punch and I can't stand their incompitent illogical ways. I feel the need to explain since they're my siblings. But that is it, siblings. They are nothing more to me. Sister? Brother? No. I feel like I have nothing and nothing and nothing in common with the strangers! Black sheep? That's me. Oh how I wish I were an only child.

S-E-X

"Sex without love is merely healthy excersice."

- Robert Heinlein

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Sex is something I haven't understood for awhile. Maybe "not understood" is the wrong term. It is something I've had no desire or need for. What I do not understand is why other people are so head over heels for it. Sure sure, I've been told a million times, it feels great. But how much different can it be from masturbating aside from the fact that there's another person? Not much from what I've been told. It seems people are so gung-ho about getting laid that they'll start relationships with only that purpose, and no actual curiosity about the person they are seeing. Where did the interaction go? Not physical interaction, but emotional. What about mental stimulation? When did everyone skip watching a movie on the couch with blankets and popcorn to doing the nasty on the kitchen counters? What happened to talking about your day and laughing at jokes? What happened to romance? I feel that too many people today have empty relationships because they're only looking for a good fuck. I met a guy not too long ago who sparked this thought as I wondered how he's doing today. He came into my store looking for sunflowers, which I at the time did not have since they are a summer flower and it was the middle of spring. Compliments were exchanged and he said I was cute and asked if I was single. Now I'm not all about the looks, but if a drop dead georgeous man says I'm cute and wants to know if I'm single I'll be damned if he's not leaving with my phone number. So of course I gave it to him. We met for coffee, the next day? Day after that? In the not so distant future. After talking I felt optimistic. He liked a lot of the things I liked and seemed unbelievably kind and easy to get along with. I went out with him a few times before things came to a nice little crash. Come over and watch a movie with me? Mmm, I don't know, I've only known you a few days. Okay, if you really want me to I will. I have to be honest, I'm just looking for someone to sleep with. What? Nice, so out the window went Mr. Perfect. What a dissapointment. Even though the whole thing lasted the span of maybe four days I was heartbroken. When you think someone truly enjoys your company it takes you to a whole new level of happiness, but drops you like a rock off the empire state building when it turns out they just wanted to fuck you. And months before and now months after I still am unable to find someone who wants to genuinely get to know me instead of screwing my brains out. I feel like sex has ruined romance and relationships in todays society. I'm not saying don't get freaky at all. But why not share it with someone you can say you love both in and outside the bedroom...or kitchen. Will I never find my Prince Charming unless I get under the covers?

Travelers

"There is something in October sets the gypsy blood astir, we must rise and follow her, when from every hill of flame, she calls and calls each vagabond by name."

- William Bliss Carman

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Santos: White peacoks yes. And mosts definetly birds of paradise! We're gypsies but I don't want to use leather or anything...

Me: Haha, fair enough. Hippies are just kind of dirty and I don't want to be dirty. Can we have ferrets that we carry in satchels too?

Santos: Yes! And we'll use them to steal stuff for us! And I'll sit on the side of the road and sell jewlery on a blanket while you read palms and another plays sitar!

Me: I want to name mine Maxwell! We can drink tea and dance around a fire at night and wake up in a new town every morning!

Santos: And have harlequin romances! Well bhangra at weddings, and can I name mine Lillian?

Me: Harlequin romances? Bhangra? And of course! Lillian and Maxwell must be soulmates though. We can smoke fancy cigarettes and hand out flowers to pedestrians.

Santos: Of course they're soulmates! We can have a wedding for them. We'll live on the edge of the city and dance every night and slowly build our caravan of lost boys!

Me: Everyone will wait expectantly for us to visit their city! Except we'll never visit Arizona or Virginia again. We'll rent hotel rooms and lounge on the balconies!

Santos: Yes! We'll travel up and down the coasts and live a life of total freedom! We'll be beautiful, androgynous, and magical! And use birds as mail carriers!

Me: They have to be pigeons. It's only appropriate! We'll have special whistles to call them to us! We'll teach children arts and crafts! We'll smell of sandalwood. We'll sit in trees and sing Patrick Wolf and Of Montreal and Rufus Wainwright! And everyone will comment about what lovely voices the oaks and maples have.

Santos: We'll tell them stories over the campfire! Toss flowers and glitter at passerbys any make us mad they'll all shiver at our curses!

Me: Haha, they'll turn into birds like on Jeffery and Cole Casserol! And we won't fix them till they give us all their wrapping paper! Otherwise they'll turn into more mail pigeons doomed to do our fabulous bidding. Or cats who come crying to us for pieces of fish.

Santos: We'll grow gardens of flowers and trees wherever we go! Leaving lush meadows in our wake.

Me: We'll be the children mother earth wishes she had!

Santos: Yes, and everyone will want to join our family! And one day we'll meet our gypsy husbands and live in wanderlust and love.

"A quiet mind cureth all."

- Robert Burton

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Everyone has a moment where they wonder if they just should have kept quiet rather than said anything at all. I can say I may have had a few of these, more if I'm being honest, but nothing that has really affected me or that I really regret until now. I blame pineapple juice and vodka, but really it's probably my own fault telling him we should sleep together. Did I think that would make him love me? Probably. As far as I've ever seen sex is a vital part of a relationship and if it isn't there then they don't need to be with you. I still try to cling tight to the hope that a relationship can be built off of love and a general enjoyment of your companion but it looks like I slipped. But can you blame me? When you get as desperate as me (unfortunately) you say and do things you wouldn't otherwise do. He's got the wrong idea. If I could just un-send that text I'd be very grateful. Now I'm stuck in an uncomftorable position because he can't have his cake and eat it too and I've made it seem like he can. He wouldn't want this cake anyways. There are things about me I don't think he'll ever acknowledge none the less accept. It's a futile effort on my part and I've wasted years on it. Should I feel ashamed? Maybe. Did jealousy spur me to commit this unplanned word vomit? Sure, I'd bet money on it even. Can I take it back? No. What's done is done and that's the worst part. Where was it I read "The worst thing in the world is loving someone that used to love you"?

Of Montreal

"Well, it's not like we're on a crusade to make people more aware of the sixties or anything. But we are all heavily influenced by it, among other things."

- Kevin Barnes, Of Montreal

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(to put this photo in black and white would just be a shame)

It's not unusual that I stumble across a band or a musician that I grow to love over the course of time. It is, however, unusual that I come across a band that I feel pulled towards as if someone grabbed my by the shirt and gave a great tug. It's unusual that I feel thrown head over heels into their music. Of Montreal has accomplished this. I haven't even been listening to their music for a full twenty-four hours and already I'm dancing in circles singing Heimdalsgate Like A Promethean Curse. While I'm sure some would contest that I can't give a very good opinion of the band after only hearing a handful of songs (around fifteen or twenty), I beg to differ. Although tragically, I have no words to describe Of Montreal. I've listened to them all day long and I'm simply left with a dry mouth, wishing I could salivate for more tracks, more lyrics, more music. All I can utter is to go listen to them for yourself (http://www.myspace.com/ofmontreal). The more and more I learn about the band, the pictures I see, the interviews I read, the more I become utterly enthralled with them. It's like I just swallowed a tab of ecstasy and have left Earth for some fantastic adventure in space. Kevin Barnes wardrobe or lack thereof (I read on a website that he performed naked once, pictures proved it) only adds to the magic. Performing atop a white horse? I don't think that can easily be beat. My favorite song so far has to be the afore mentiones Heimdalsgate Like A Promethean Curse. Even more so do I love the video. I'm sure I'm going to have a lovely relationship with Of Montreal's music from hear on out. We'll never get a divorce.

Heimdalsgate Like A Promethean Curse

I'm in a crisis/I need help/Come on mood shift shift back to good again/Come on be a friend

Nina twin is trying to help and I/Really hope that she suceeds/Though I picked the thorny path myself/I'm afraid/Afraid of where it leads

Chemicals don't strangle my pen/Chemicals don't make me sick again/I'm always so dubious of your intent/Like I can't afford to replace what you've spent

Nina twin is trying to help and I/Really hope she gets me straight/Cause my own inner cosmology/Has become too dense to navigate

Chemicals don't flatten my mind/Chemicals don't mess me up this time/Know you bait me way more than you should/And it's just like you to hurt me when I'm feeling good

Wanderlust

"The real voyage of discovery is not in discovering new lands, but in seeing with new eyes."

- Marcel Proust

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For just about twenty-one years of my life I have lived in the same town. The same suburbs-gone-city piece of Virginia. On countless ocassions I've said that I never wanted to leave, that I would be perfectly happy living and dying here. What a liar I was. Over the past few months I've realized that's the absolutely last thing I want to do. I look around at my family, my friend, all the people who have gotten stuck here. Stuck in the same dead end job, stuck in the same miserable house, unhappy with their lives and in too deep to leave. So I've made a decision; I'm moving to California. It won't be tommorow, or the next day, or the next. I need to save some money. I'm not stupid, I'm not going to dive into this headfirst and not know how to swim. I need to be able to keep my car, have a place to live, be able to feed myself, the neccesities. It could even be three years before I go, but trust me, I'm going. I'm propelled by such a deep sense of Wanderlust that I don't even care what part of California I land in. It looks like Oakland is a likely choice, second place goes to Berkely. I don't want to move to San Franscisco for my own personal reasons, but the more and more I hear about it the more I begin to consider it if I have no other choice. John says L.A., because I would blend. But that defeats the purpose, I don't want to blend. How dull it is to be thought of the same as everyone else. My mother asked me if I had ever been to California, how do I know I will like it? Well I haven't, and I don't. That's the excitement. It's something completely new, something I've never seen before. That idea is what tugs my heart towards the west coast. What's the worst that could happen? If I don't like it, I move back.

Weather

"Sunshine is delicious, rain is refreshing, wind braces us up, snow is exhilarating; there is really no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather."

- John Ruskin

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A constant complaint of mine has always been the weather in Virginia. I tease that we have three seasons; summer, winter, and wildcard. It's always spuratic and unpredictable. Raining one day, ninety degrees and sunny the next, and then sixty degrees and gusty after that. Virginia definetly should not be recognized for it's weather. But I've found a bit of joy in the eclecctic nature here. The unpredictability has become somewhat pleasant in the way a grab-bag at the dollar store is. I never know what to expect and it now brings somewhat of a thrill. Nothing pleases me more than to wake up to sunshine and then two hours later see the sky dark as coal, thunder crashing around me, lightning shooting across the sky as fast and bright as it can. Even snow, my least favorite form of precipitation, brings a touch of surprise and wonder. It could be ten at night and still seem like four in the evening with all the light reflecting off every tiny snowflake. I've begun to have much more respect for the things we don't typically pay attention too. Next time it rains try to look at each individual drop. Watch it hit the window and run down only to drip to it's demise. Look at snowflakes when they stick to your hand and appreciate each one's individual pattern. Feel the sun and how it warms your skin. The unexplainable things are the most wonderful things in life.

Try again

"If you shoot for the stars and hit the moon, it's okay. But you've got to shoot for something. A lot of people don't even shoot."

- Robert Townsend

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We all have dreams. We'd like to be a famous actor, a doctor, a basketball superstar, we all want something. But what do we do to reach these dreams? I've seen what people do about their dreams. Two years out of high school and I see the people who planned on being business men working in a McDonalds. Now I know that for some people going straight into the workforce isn't an option. It was never an option to me, I had to go get a paycheck so my family could eat. But I know the people I speak of, and know that their situation is not like mine. It's like they just gave up when they realized how difficult it is to actually reach their goals. It's like they don't want to put in the effort so they settled. Not me, and I hope not you. Don't ever give up. You'll find yourself a year or two down the road yearning for that desire once more. I haven't achieved my goal yet, but then again, for a year I had no clue what that goal truly was. Did I want to be a photographer? A journalist? Why did I pick all the jobs with meager pay, haha? Floristry just sort of barged into my life and wrapped me in a pleasant embrace. Only then did I realize I dreamed of working in a big floral boutique in the city, wrapping roses for important business men I went to high school with, arranging lilies for some young girl's wedding. It hasn't been easy. In one year I've had my fair shair of struggles. The person who introduced me to the feild, the person I looked up to, let me down harder than I ever thought he could. Stealing, lying, and then being offered his position? I didn't want to get my job that way, but I had to bite my lip and take it or who knows when it'd come around. I'm still working today, keeping that dream in my pocket, carrying it everywhere with me. Knowing that I can make it one day. Wether it's in a year or in ten years, I'll keep running towards the end of the tunnel. And so should you. Grasp that dream tight and never let go. Never give up. Never settle. Keep dreaming.

Sheep

"God only watches us and kills us when we get boring. We must never ever be boring."

- Invisible Monsters, Chuck Palahnuik circa 1999

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It feels like everyone is trying to stand outside the circle. Everyone wants to be the black sheep, the wolf, or some other clever comparisson. Everyone wants to be different. But when everyone wants to be different, aren't we all just being the same? If everyone strives so hard for uninqueness, how can we tell what's unique anymore? True individuality isn't something you need to bend over backwards to achieve. To be honest, you don't need to do anything at all. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, clear your mind. That's the beauty of life, the glory of humanity. We are all different. From the moment we are born we're an individual soul. A separate spirit. A one-of-a-kind living breathing piece of art. It's when we loose sight of this fact that we become dull. When we try too hard to be something that we aren't. It may seem like the thing you desire most, to be someone else. But what's so bad about being you? Be happy with yourself and know that there will never be anyone quite like you. Your smile, your voice, the way you move, the things you feel, they are all yours and only yours. No one can touch that, no one else will ever have these things. Love yourself, you're beautiful. You are truly unique.

Land's End

At this point in time I find Patrick Wolf's "Land's End" (Wind in The Wires) to decribe everything around me. Monday mood music.

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Land's End

The work is done and the record's pressed/Now you're doing battle with the fickle press/You've got to strike the hammers and pull the bow/And another fool/It's just another show/It's all the same and you've seen it before

And it don't seem like too long a time/Since you were sweating in the streelight/Too many dreams not enough schemes/And a bike with no gears to ride/With the wheels going too slow

So you tell 'em/I'm leaving London for Lands End/With a green tent and a violin/I'm going to strike the hammers and pull the bow/Just another day to forget this show/And come back to me/Come back to me/Darling come back to me/Come back

Now don't it seem like too long a time/Since you were sweating in the spotlight/Too many jeers not enough cheers/But when you sing you've got nothing to hide/Singing where does the time go/And where does the time go

Oh darling when will you ever learn/The grass is always greener/It's everywhere you turn/You'll see it/Everything you're sure of is up for change/We're all stuck on this spinning stage/Spinning around and round/And round and round and round