BFFs

"A real friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

-Anonymous

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Over the past week my relationship with my closest, dearest, most valued friend has come to a screeching halt. Picture one of those trains that's all scrunched up. It's a lot like that. Now I won't go into details of what caused this hideous event, I will however say this: It was unfortunate, but it's nothing anyone could have stopped from happening no matter how much you kid yourself. My best friend, I thought the world of her. I could and would tell her anything. My deepest secrets, my darkest desires. I held her above anyone else. I trusted her, and I was sure she trusted me. I was sure that she believed me and knew I would never do anything to cause her pain. Never before have I been so wrong. I've been blindsided, betrayed, hurt. She's said things I never thought she was capable of saying. She's accused me of crimes I would never in a million years commit. She has defamed my charachter. She's tried to make me the bug under her birkenstocks. She's tried to guilt me, she's harassed me, she's shown up banging on my front door at almost midnight. She' texted and texted and texted and texted me, accusing me of not facing the truth. Well guess what, it is you who isn't facing the truth! You cannot come to terms with the fact that this is how life works and sometimes it's out of your hands. You can't grip the fact that it's a risk you took the moment you opened that door. You can't comprehend the things I would have done could they have been. You're delusional. I've had both your numbers blocked. We can't talk anymore. I can't go on like this. You obviously never thought much of me if you think I would do this to you. You seemed bored with me anyways so maybe it's for the better. But before I go let me say I earned that. Do I feel bad? Of course. Do I feel guilty? Not one bit. I'll miss you, but I'm being optimistic about the future.

"Some mornings I lay in bed with my eyes closed because I'm genuinely scared to open them."

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(No picture today)

Things have become overwhelming, overpowering, and overall overbearing. Work being the biggest demon I must do battle with. Now everyone has complaints about their jobs, but I feel like on some level I'm not complaining. I'm merely stating? Regardless, I love my job and would not trade it for the world. But I am the only one running an entire department. So much is being asked of me within so little time that it would take an inhuman amount of stamina to complete every single given task. But this is what is expected of me. I've been handed so much that I've fallen behind further than I ever have before. Conditions are deplorable and I am exhausted. I walk through those doors and a sudden wave of nausea washes over me. Sometimes I'll duck down behind my counter and cry. Pathetic? Not really. You'd be doing it too. I'm giving it everything I've got and it's not enough. Frustrating is an understatement. And at home my mother cries more than ever, my sister screams, and my brother snaps. My father won't acknowledge me. He won't talk to me, he won't look at me. It's as if I don't even exist. It feels like my world is crumbling down around me faster and faster with each passing second. And myself? I'm caught tumbling down into some bottomless abyss with the bricks and dust and debris. When I read back what I have just written I feel ashamed. What is becoming of me?

"I don't believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at."

- Maya Angelou

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Siblings. I have two of them. There is my older sister Christine who is twenty-eight and my younger brothe Alec who is seventeen. People who don't have siblings think one of two things. One, damn I'm lucky to be an only child! And two, I really wish I had a brother or sister. If you think the second thought, rethink it. You'll be sorry that idea ever floated through your head. As I type this blog my brother is in the room behind me playingthe goddamn bass guitar that he plays every waking minute of the day. I ask him to hold off for five minutes but of course he can't do that since he's bass master and a total badass and all. So now as I write there is the most annoying twanging in the background that doesn't quite form anything pleasing to the ears at all. I wish I was born an only child. Out of the few things I really despise, I despise having siblings. I know this sounds cruel, but I mean it. I cannot stand anything about my siblings (even though you see my brother often in my videos and we are laughing and joking). When cameras are off and doors are closed it is a whole different story. They have to bicker and banter and gang up on anyone who stands in their way. They whine and cry and kick and scream. They hit and punch and I can't stand their incompitent illogical ways. I feel the need to explain since they're my siblings. But that is it, siblings. They are nothing more to me. Sister? Brother? No. I feel like I have nothing and nothing and nothing in common with the strangers! Black sheep? That's me. Oh how I wish I were an only child.

S-E-X

"Sex without love is merely healthy excersice."

- Robert Heinlein

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Sex is something I haven't understood for awhile. Maybe "not understood" is the wrong term. It is something I've had no desire or need for. What I do not understand is why other people are so head over heels for it. Sure sure, I've been told a million times, it feels great. But how much different can it be from masturbating aside from the fact that there's another person? Not much from what I've been told. It seems people are so gung-ho about getting laid that they'll start relationships with only that purpose, and no actual curiosity about the person they are seeing. Where did the interaction go? Not physical interaction, but emotional. What about mental stimulation? When did everyone skip watching a movie on the couch with blankets and popcorn to doing the nasty on the kitchen counters? What happened to talking about your day and laughing at jokes? What happened to romance? I feel that too many people today have empty relationships because they're only looking for a good fuck. I met a guy not too long ago who sparked this thought as I wondered how he's doing today. He came into my store looking for sunflowers, which I at the time did not have since they are a summer flower and it was the middle of spring. Compliments were exchanged and he said I was cute and asked if I was single. Now I'm not all about the looks, but if a drop dead georgeous man says I'm cute and wants to know if I'm single I'll be damned if he's not leaving with my phone number. So of course I gave it to him. We met for coffee, the next day? Day after that? In the not so distant future. After talking I felt optimistic. He liked a lot of the things I liked and seemed unbelievably kind and easy to get along with. I went out with him a few times before things came to a nice little crash. Come over and watch a movie with me? Mmm, I don't know, I've only known you a few days. Okay, if you really want me to I will. I have to be honest, I'm just looking for someone to sleep with. What? Nice, so out the window went Mr. Perfect. What a dissapointment. Even though the whole thing lasted the span of maybe four days I was heartbroken. When you think someone truly enjoys your company it takes you to a whole new level of happiness, but drops you like a rock off the empire state building when it turns out they just wanted to fuck you. And months before and now months after I still am unable to find someone who wants to genuinely get to know me instead of screwing my brains out. I feel like sex has ruined romance and relationships in todays society. I'm not saying don't get freaky at all. But why not share it with someone you can say you love both in and outside the bedroom...or kitchen. Will I never find my Prince Charming unless I get under the covers?

Travelers

"There is something in October sets the gypsy blood astir, we must rise and follow her, when from every hill of flame, she calls and calls each vagabond by name."

- William Bliss Carman

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Santos: White peacoks yes. And mosts definetly birds of paradise! We're gypsies but I don't want to use leather or anything...

Me: Haha, fair enough. Hippies are just kind of dirty and I don't want to be dirty. Can we have ferrets that we carry in satchels too?

Santos: Yes! And we'll use them to steal stuff for us! And I'll sit on the side of the road and sell jewlery on a blanket while you read palms and another plays sitar!

Me: I want to name mine Maxwell! We can drink tea and dance around a fire at night and wake up in a new town every morning!

Santos: And have harlequin romances! Well bhangra at weddings, and can I name mine Lillian?

Me: Harlequin romances? Bhangra? And of course! Lillian and Maxwell must be soulmates though. We can smoke fancy cigarettes and hand out flowers to pedestrians.

Santos: Of course they're soulmates! We can have a wedding for them. We'll live on the edge of the city and dance every night and slowly build our caravan of lost boys!

Me: Everyone will wait expectantly for us to visit their city! Except we'll never visit Arizona or Virginia again. We'll rent hotel rooms and lounge on the balconies!

Santos: Yes! We'll travel up and down the coasts and live a life of total freedom! We'll be beautiful, androgynous, and magical! And use birds as mail carriers!

Me: They have to be pigeons. It's only appropriate! We'll have special whistles to call them to us! We'll teach children arts and crafts! We'll smell of sandalwood. We'll sit in trees and sing Patrick Wolf and Of Montreal and Rufus Wainwright! And everyone will comment about what lovely voices the oaks and maples have.

Santos: We'll tell them stories over the campfire! Toss flowers and glitter at passerbys any make us mad they'll all shiver at our curses!

Me: Haha, they'll turn into birds like on Jeffery and Cole Casserol! And we won't fix them till they give us all their wrapping paper! Otherwise they'll turn into more mail pigeons doomed to do our fabulous bidding. Or cats who come crying to us for pieces of fish.

Santos: We'll grow gardens of flowers and trees wherever we go! Leaving lush meadows in our wake.

Me: We'll be the children mother earth wishes she had!

Santos: Yes, and everyone will want to join our family! And one day we'll meet our gypsy husbands and live in wanderlust and love.

"A quiet mind cureth all."

- Robert Burton

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Everyone has a moment where they wonder if they just should have kept quiet rather than said anything at all. I can say I may have had a few of these, more if I'm being honest, but nothing that has really affected me or that I really regret until now. I blame pineapple juice and vodka, but really it's probably my own fault telling him we should sleep together. Did I think that would make him love me? Probably. As far as I've ever seen sex is a vital part of a relationship and if it isn't there then they don't need to be with you. I still try to cling tight to the hope that a relationship can be built off of love and a general enjoyment of your companion but it looks like I slipped. But can you blame me? When you get as desperate as me (unfortunately) you say and do things you wouldn't otherwise do. He's got the wrong idea. If I could just un-send that text I'd be very grateful. Now I'm stuck in an uncomftorable position because he can't have his cake and eat it too and I've made it seem like he can. He wouldn't want this cake anyways. There are things about me I don't think he'll ever acknowledge none the less accept. It's a futile effort on my part and I've wasted years on it. Should I feel ashamed? Maybe. Did jealousy spur me to commit this unplanned word vomit? Sure, I'd bet money on it even. Can I take it back? No. What's done is done and that's the worst part. Where was it I read "The worst thing in the world is loving someone that used to love you"?

Of Montreal

"Well, it's not like we're on a crusade to make people more aware of the sixties or anything. But we are all heavily influenced by it, among other things."

- Kevin Barnes, Of Montreal

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(to put this photo in black and white would just be a shame)

It's not unusual that I stumble across a band or a musician that I grow to love over the course of time. It is, however, unusual that I come across a band that I feel pulled towards as if someone grabbed my by the shirt and gave a great tug. It's unusual that I feel thrown head over heels into their music. Of Montreal has accomplished this. I haven't even been listening to their music for a full twenty-four hours and already I'm dancing in circles singing Heimdalsgate Like A Promethean Curse. While I'm sure some would contest that I can't give a very good opinion of the band after only hearing a handful of songs (around fifteen or twenty), I beg to differ. Although tragically, I have no words to describe Of Montreal. I've listened to them all day long and I'm simply left with a dry mouth, wishing I could salivate for more tracks, more lyrics, more music. All I can utter is to go listen to them for yourself (http://www.myspace.com/ofmontreal). The more and more I learn about the band, the pictures I see, the interviews I read, the more I become utterly enthralled with them. It's like I just swallowed a tab of ecstasy and have left Earth for some fantastic adventure in space. Kevin Barnes wardrobe or lack thereof (I read on a website that he performed naked once, pictures proved it) only adds to the magic. Performing atop a white horse? I don't think that can easily be beat. My favorite song so far has to be the afore mentiones Heimdalsgate Like A Promethean Curse. Even more so do I love the video. I'm sure I'm going to have a lovely relationship with Of Montreal's music from hear on out. We'll never get a divorce.

Heimdalsgate Like A Promethean Curse

I'm in a crisis/I need help/Come on mood shift shift back to good again/Come on be a friend

Nina twin is trying to help and I/Really hope that she suceeds/Though I picked the thorny path myself/I'm afraid/Afraid of where it leads

Chemicals don't strangle my pen/Chemicals don't make me sick again/I'm always so dubious of your intent/Like I can't afford to replace what you've spent

Nina twin is trying to help and I/Really hope she gets me straight/Cause my own inner cosmology/Has become too dense to navigate

Chemicals don't flatten my mind/Chemicals don't mess me up this time/Know you bait me way more than you should/And it's just like you to hurt me when I'm feeling good